Maybe someone warned you: “be careful, your second birthday is coming, it will be tremendous” or “get ready for him to turn two”, or maybe you yourself have started to notice that your sweet baby is becoming more and more “rebellious”. Is it rebellion? Is your daughter a tyrant? No. She is developing her self-concept, she is discovering herself as a unique, autonomous being with the ability to make decisions. Good for him, but bad for you when she shouts “no!” at you every 5 minutes and turns all her frustrations into tantrums that include throwing herself on the floor, screaming, hitting and occasionally pulling hair or objects.

The first thing we need to clarify about this age is that it is normal for tantrums to start. You may have started to notice it when your child turned one year and 10 months, or two years and three months. There is no exact day when everything changes, however, little by little you can start to realize that your child is not only more defiant, but is also having tantrums that drive you crazy and you no longer know how to control them. Therefore, we want to clarify: your child is fine, he has no problem. All of this is a natural and expected part of this stage of development. However, just because it is normal and expected does not mean that it is easy to handle. Because in daily life you are faced with one or two children who scream and kick and you see yourself collapsing and not knowing what to do.

Before moving on to tips that will help you manage your children's tantrums (and mind you, it's about managing, not avoiding. Because as we said, tantrums are an essential part of their healthy development), we want to talk about what a tantrum is. To do this, we'll start by looking at a child's brain. Did you know that the brain isn't born fully developed? In fact, it only finishes developing at about age 25. This is why many times, it's not that children don't want to calm down or that they choose not to because they want to annoy or manipulate you; what happens to them is that they simply can't because they don't know how to do it. They need your help.

Tantrums are not a pleasant experience for children. During tantrums, the brain becomes stressed, filled with cortisol (stress hormone) and they do not know how to get out of it and calm down again. Cortisol can cause negative and long-lasting impacts on brain development, as it is a toxic hormone for the brain that inhibits healthy growth. That is why the solution is never going to be “letting him cry it out”, but rather we will help him to get over it to avoid prolonged exposure to cortisol. It is true that if we leave a child in his room crying, he will eventually stop crying and calm down. But we already know the risks that this entails.

Maybe right now you're asking yourself: if a tantrum is so uncomfortable and unpleasant for a child, then why do they do it? It's because children don't choose to have a tantrum. What happens to them is that they are faced with frustrations, anger or discomfort and they don't know how to express it, so they explode. And that's where we come in: we have to teach them. They also want to get out of that state where cortisol is flooding their brain and they notice that they have no control over their emotions and impulses; but they don't have enough tools to do it alone. They will learn them over time, because you will teach them to recognize and express their emotions in a healthy way, and because their brain will continue to develop. For now, they need you. As mothers, we can be the external calm that helps them achieve their internal calm.

Step 1:

Breathe. We know that seeing your child like this is very stressful. But it will be very difficult to calm him down if you are not calm yourself first. You can go to the bathroom, wash your face, breathe, or whatever helps you to approach your child from a calm position. Breathe 3 times and repeat to yourself: “I can handle this.” You have probably already seen that the more you yell, the more he yells. You don’t put out the fire by pouring gasoline on it… we have to manage to be that shower of peace and tranquility before trying anything else.

Step 2:

Look at your child with the most benevolent and compassionate gaze possible. Ask yourself: What is wrong with him? What made him angry? What didn't work for him? What scared him? What distressed him? Try to understand where this tantrum came from, what is the problem that made him explode and he didn't know how to communicate calmly (because he is still learning how and his brain is developing). Look at your child that you love so much and tell yourself that he is having a hard time, that he needs your help.

Step 3:

Sit next to him or her , breathe, and in a calm voice begin to describe out loud what you think happened. This will lower your child’s defenses and start to calm down, since you are sending him or her the message that you understand him or her, and that you care about what is happening to him or her. Example: “You wanted to keep watching TV because you wanted to keep watching the Paw Patrol episode. Yes… it’s because you love Paw Patrol, that’s why you feel sad now. It was important for you to know what was happening to Chase and it’s hard for you not to know the end of the episode.” NOTE: This does not mean that I am validating his or her behavior, or that I am going to turn the TV back on. I am only validating his or her emotions, even if I don’t agree, because it is HIS or her experience. I am showing him or her how to put into words what is happening to him or her.

Step 4:

Firmly and gently maintain the boundary . Example: “I understand that you wanted to keep watching the episode and you felt sorry when I cut it off. Look, I turned off the TV because we have to go eat, then take a shower, and then go to sleep.” What I’m doing is validating the emotion (I understand your pain) and giving an explanation (we have to go eat), but maintaining the boundary (the TV is still off).

Step 5:

Observe your child:

Are you ready? Then offer two alternatives. For example: “Which stuffed animal will accompany you tonight, the giraffe or the magic elf?” “How are we going to get to your chair, hopping like a bunny or running?”

Not ready? Then tell him “I see you’re having a hard time, I’ll keep you company” and help him breathe. You can bring him a stuffed animal, play a relaxing song, or tell him a story. You know your child best, and together you’ll discover what helps him calm down the most.

We hope that these tips will help you the next time your child has a tantrum. And if it doesn't work the first time, the third time, or the tenth time and you notice yourself losing your cool, don't worry. It's not easy for you either. We can also offer ourselves the same benevolent look that we want to offer our children: you are learning to be a mother and it's not easy, you can fail and make mistakes. The important thing is that you are trying, that you are repairing and striving to do better every day. The very fact that you are here reading this blog is proof of that.

Camila Rozas

Child Psychologist